”All my life I’ve been searching,” but I didn’t know what I’d been searching for. I’ve always referenced this catch phrase in my poetry, when contemplating a new love interest, or when I decided to rewind and remind my broken- hearted mind. I never asked myself this question when I was happy but how many times would I end up in this funky space before I acknowledged the only way I could end up back where I started is if I was still searching for completion during my perceived happiness.
I wrote a journal for English class after reading Charlotte Perkins Gillman’s “The Yellow Wallpaper.” I was amazed I felt connected to this white woman’s story. I didn’t see color or gender. I saw socialization and a bundle of bullshit expectations distorting the mind. I identified with this story so much, I became the new main character. I was sucked into the yellow yuckiness that swallows minds whole. It doesn’t chew you up and spit you out; shit that would have been salvation but it wasn’t and now I must crucify myself in order to live again.
I loved my life, at least I thought I did but I couldn’t turn off the noise. The voices in my head asking had I let the right man choose me. Yup, I said choose because every women knows there are plenty of men we chose who didn’t choose us back so now we patiently wait on any man to pick us. I know some women are in their feelings right now; mad at me for exposing this truth, but I’m Naked now. So now, let me make this clear. This is not a hate a nigga blog. I love my husband and I support ALL Black men good, bad, and indifferent because a lot of them had mothers like me fighting yellow smut throughout their childhood. As a culprit in the misraising of children, I have made it my responsibility to deliver my truth to the world despite how unattractive it is.
Women, we bring life into the world knowing we are still searching for someone or something. This is how the misraising begins. This is the pill we have to swallow women. So, let’s swallow more than dick. Let’s swallow the pain and frustration of redirecting the foolishness we have set in motion. We have been walking around schizophrenic acting like we are fine; covering our lives with fake hair, airbrushed faces, expensive yet empty bags, and red bottoms on your imaginary vision board. This is feminism wave 5 where a Naked woman desires a man but doesn’t need his ass to breathe. The ideology of Bears and Bubbles unearthed the nakedness in me and now I can be totally free.
The Bears, bubbles, pinks, greens, blue alignments, and Craig mamaring are all sayings from class. It’s the Laws of Attraction class that Javonne M. Clark teaches everyday through his social sites. He has managed to compile the wonders of the universe into a board full of animation and color, which is the same way life should be for each and every one of us. His Luij Board saved my marriage, my mind, and my life. If you want to know more about my yellow smut journey stay on the lookout out for my upcoming book “The Yellow Smut” and subscribe to J Michael Clark on Youtube to catch class at 7:45am Monday- Saturday and Sunday at 9am.